Don't look in the fridge

I opened the fridge and was horrified at what I saw lurking inside. A box full of strawberries had peculiarly grown a grey fur coat. Further inspection revealed that most of the food inside was over a year expired. That was the last time I ever opened that fridge. My parents had abandoned me at my grandma's house and it would be another week before I would be safe from food poisoning.

My grandma has never been one to throw away food(I use the term food generously). The expiration dates are just a suggestion and the best by dates mean the food is good indefinitely. From the burlap sack full of liquefied onions in her closet to the box full of fuzzy strawberries in her fridge, there is nothing in her house I feel safe eating.

Going to her house is an assault on the senses. Just opening the door unleashes a vomit inducing smell. It is as if death itself resides inside, as the smell past the door is almost unbearable. The sight of the food in her fridge would make even a starving person think twice before eating it. Without a cast-iron stomach, completely unresponsive taste buds, and no sense of smell most of her food is completely uneatable. Even looking at the food is unpleasant.

Her 3 refrigerators are all bursting at the seams. Although most of the objects in her fridge are unidentifiable, (I can't tell the chocolate pudding from the T-bone steak) she is very efficient at packing as much of it as possible into her fridges. It doesn't help that she buys more food every time there is a sale.

When she travels it is even worse. Her car has earned the nickname "traveling compost heap". This is sadly not far from the truth. Her idea of keeping food fresh involves wrapping her perishable food in newspaper and leaving it in the back seat of her car. A good portion of this food is spoiled to start with and leaving it out doesn't help.

I have lost count of the number of times I have become ill as a result of eating at her house. I was naive enough as a child to keep eating more of her food after my first illness. I have since learned to avoid it entirely.